‘He is handsome’, remarked her best friend

When we talk about child sexual abuse (CSA), it seems like a pretty simple and straightforward subject. However, being a survivor of child sexual abuse myself and having spoken to a number of fellow survivors, I have understood that CSA is way more complicated than one can imagine or comprehend.

In 2017, I conducted a few sessions on raising awareness about CSA in Kashmir. In almost every single session that I conducted, a few people approached me afterwards and shared their ordeal of sexual abuse that they were subjected to in their childhood. The most noteworthy fact about these stories was that each one of these survivors were speaking up for the first time.

During one of those awareness raising sessions about CSA, a senior lecturer from the audience stood up in the middle of the session and spoke up about the sexual abuse that he was subjected to during his childhood. There were more than 100 senior lecturers from erstwhile state of Jammu & Kashmir present in the hall and it came across as a shock to many of his colleagues present there. However, almost everyone empathised with him at that moment and lauded his courage to have spoken up about the abuse. Due to the social stigma attributed to sexual abuse in Kashmir, he had not spoken up about it in the past 30 years.

I spoke to him afterwards in detail and he told me that he has become very controlling as a father. He wouldn’t let his children go out or spend a night at any of their relatives’ or friends’ place. He wouldn’t trust anybody hanging around his children. He would constantly worry about their well-being and all these over protective behaviours combined with the constant negative thoughts had not only made his life miserable but also his children’s. After speaking up about the abuse, he felt a huge burden was off his shoulders.

After about two months, I received a phone call from this senior lecturer and I could tell from his voice that he was extremely distressed. He told me that he deeply regrets having spoken up about his childhood abuse in front of the other teachers present in the hall during my session on CSA. What had transcribed in the past two months is simply a reflection of our society’s orthodox and backward mindset. He was ridiculed by some of his colleagues, who blamed him for having created a bad image of the Kashmiri Muslims and Kashmir valley in general by speaking up about the sexual abuse he was subjected to during his childhood. In other words, this teacher was re-victimised by our society’s educated class for speaking up about the abuse, despite him having suffered mentally and physically for more than 30 years because of the abuse.

For me, it was worse than a shock. I remember in that workshop, we discussed in detail the various aspects of CSA and how abusers thrive by silencing their victims. Yet, some of the teachers went on to ridicule this teacher for having dared to speak up. I wonder, if the people working in the education sector don’t understand the gravity of this issue and be a little sensitive, how can we expect the rest of the people living in our society to be sensitive towards the survivors of CSA.

In one of my other sessions dedicated to raising awareness about CSA, a girl contacted me afterwards and said that she wants to support my work on raising awareness about CSA in Kashmir. In my very first conversation with her, she told me that she has her reasons to work for this cause. I could tell instantly that she has suffered some kind of abuse in her childhood. After a few more conversations, the girl shared her story with me.

She had suffered sexual abuse at the hands of one of her uncles from the age of 5 to 14, that is, almost 10 years. This uncle would visit her home pretty much every week and knew exactly how to groom her in order to exploit her in the coming years. This girl’s parents weren’t happy with each other and would end up arguing almost all the time over one or the other issue. Comparatively, the uncle’s family was regarded well in the society because of their extreme religiosity. They had an awesome reputation in the village. The girl during her childhood days always wished to have been born in that family.

As the uncle’s visits became more frequent, he would try everything that a serial child abuser would do; that is, to spend more time with the girl, take advantage of her parents’ blind trust, gain her confidence by being very affectionate to her, buy her toys and sweets occasionally, and slowly make her comfortable with his inappropriate touches. Moreover, he would tell the girl not to worry about her parents’ conduct because he is there to take good care of her.

Initially, the touches didn’t feel bad or harmful because she was completely clueless about what was being done to her. However, the uncle soon started to harass her sexually by forcing her to touch his genitals and by kissing her on her lips. Many a times, she tried to resist but the uncle made her believe that if she says a word about this little secret of theirs, no one is going to believe her and most probably she will get beaten up by her parents.

According to the girl, the kisses were so brutal that sometimes her lips would get swollen up and turn purple. Her parents were so caught up with their own issues that they never paid any attention to her bruises. The abuse continued the same way for many years, until one day when the uncle committed penetrative sexual assault on her. At the age of 14, the uncle stopped abusing the girl but two years later expressed his wish to be in a relationship with her. It was at this point the girl gathered some courage and complained against the uncle to her mother but could only mention the uncle’s proposal to her. Naturally, it created a havoc in the family, but the uncle managed to convince everyone that he never proposed to her. Since, the girl’s behaviour had been strange for many years because of the abuse, the uncle was able to convince everyone that she might have dreamt about it. He basically tried to prove that she is mentally unstable and she perhaps hears or sees things that are unreal.

He got married after some time and that’s when the abuse stopped completely. However, the uncle still visits the family and is regarded well by her parents.

Once this girl shared her story with me, she went on to talk about it to one of her cousins and her best friend. Both of them empathised with her but later suggested her to forget about it and instead focus on the future, a common suggestion that many survivors of CSA are familiar with. Moreover, she went on to share her story with her brother and a few other people working on issues related to child abuse. Her brother had always admired this uncle. After knowing what he had subjected his sister to, he couldn’t do much but, at least, he is not inspired by him anymore.

However, when the girl’s best friend once visited her house, the uncle showed up during the lunch time. The girl told her friend that he is the man, who subjected her to sexual abuse in her childhood. Upon hearing this, her best friend remarked, “Oh, he is handsome.”

The remark sent shivers down my spine and left me wondering that how on earth can someone be so insensitive and call someone’s abuser handsome. Such responses are not only extremely insensitive but also damaging to the psyche of survivors of CSA. The friend might have said it casually without thinking about its repercussions, but it clearly shows a lack of understanding towards this very serious issue among the common people. In fact, it sends a wrong message out that it is perhaps alright to be raped by good-looking men.

Recently, the girl got to know that some of her uncle’s other family members too were involved in abusing children sexually and pretty much everyone in the family know about it, and yet each one of them is living the life of an “honourable” man both in the family as well as in the locality.

The girl despite having attempted a few times to speak to her mother about the childhood abuse, she hasn’t mustered the courage yet to expose her abuser. Some of her fears are:

1. What if she is not believed by her parents?
2. What if she becomes a topic of gossip among her other relatives, even if her parents support her?
3. What if exposing him results into breaking up of the family?
4. What if it creates more miseries for her than some kind of relief?
5. Since, the abuser is a relative from her mother’s side, what if her father uses it against her mother to win an argument over some petty issue?

Imagine the plight of survivors of CSA like the girl above, who had to go through all kinds of abuse in their childhood and when they want to talk about it and expose their abuser/s, they feel overburdened by their “duty” to preserve the honour of their entire gene pool. Child sexual abuse is real and it happens in every society. Child abusers do not belong to a certain group or community or religion. They are everywhere and should be recognised and called out before they victimise and traumatise more children for a lifetime.

To prevent child sexual abuse, please sign my petition on ‘Personal Safety Education’ in School Curriculum here.